Moving Overseas: Things You Never Expected

April 3, 2012 by 5 Comments

Your bags are packed, your tickets are purchased, and you’re ready for your new adventure with your soon to be short-distance love.

It’s everything you’ve worked for. So why all the butterflies in your tummy?

Moving is a big change. And like any big change, there are some challenges ahead for the new person in town. Luckily, there are ways to prepare for them. Below are some pitfalls and tips on how to handle them.

 

You’ve traded one long-distance relationship for another (your family and friends).

And you miss them. It’s natural. You’ve plonked down in somewhat unfamiliar surroundings, and you don’t have your safety net.

Start by organizing weekly or monthly Skype calls with your family and friends. Emails can feel impersonal, and you’ll want to hear some friendly voices. Even ordering minutes on Skype to call their phones if they don’t want to video chat is very economical.

 

I get to talk to my family, but I feel lonely here.

Again, completely normal to have feelings of isolation and loneliness. Remember all the things you did to find friends in your old home? It’s time to start all over again. Religious organizations or volunteering are great ways to meet people. So is looking up the local boards for any activity groups you find enjoyable – perhaps Tai Chi or pets is your thing. Find other enthusiasts nearby, and invite them for coffee.

Finding a job can lead to some friends through co-workers. So can bar-hopping, or even travelling.

Another great way to find friends? Look for other new migrants. There are many expat boards you can join which have meet-ups. And these people can hook you up with all sorts of things a new expat like you may need.

Planning weekly activities and giving yourself a full schedule are also important. The less time on your hands to sit around and think, the less time there is to think about home. Keeping busy will integrate you better into your new community.

 

We speak different languages, and I’m struggling to communicate.

This is another common problem. Even if you’ve taken some language classes, it feels very different when talking to native speakers. Sign up for more classes in your community. Watch local TV – no cheating! Listening to people, even with them speaking quickly, will help. Again, finding the expat community will help as well, with people to help explain things and share tips and tricks for making it easier.

 

Going to the store (or wherever) leaves me feeling overwhelmed and confused.

Having to really realize you’ll have to pick out a whole new line of food, washing brands, and so on, can feel really overwhelming. All of these decisions, big and small, can feel like they’re hurtling at you all at once. And they are. Trying to explain this to someone who hasn’t been in this position can feel even more frustrating and futile.

Cut yourself some slack. Some decisions are important, and others, like figuring out which brand of detergent you like, are less so. Give yourself permission to goof up with your detergent, and just try what looks good. It’s ok to not like it and pick another.

And feel free to express your frustration to someone who understands. You’ll probably be swapping funny stories about purchasing mishaps in no time.

 

Marisol Dunham has been a freelance writer since 2007, and now lives with her once long-distance boyfriend in Australia. An American wandering the bush, she writes about her life and writing ventures on her blog at http://www.madunham.com/. You can find her on Twitter at @maridunham.

photo by: Vox Efx
Filed Under: Immigration Tagged With: , ,

Closing the Distance Problems & How to Fix Them

January 15, 2012 by 2 Comments

The day has finally arrived: you are officially closing the distance. Congratulations! The struggles and sadness of a long-distance relationship are over and everything will be perfect, right?

If only that was true! For many couples, closing the distance is even harder than beginning a long-distance relationship. It doesn’t have to be so difficult, though, if you anticipate the problems you might face and tackle them head on.

contemplando
Creative Commons License photo credit: A6U571N

Loneliness

When you move to a new place, you probably won’t have a set of friends to fall in with right away. It might even feel impossible to make new friends when everyone is so different. While it’s important to keep in contact with your old friends, try not to spend all your time browsing Facebook and feeling bad about the fun stuff you’re missing. Instead, spend some time trying to meet new people with similar interests. I’d really recommend taking some kind of class (language, fitness, art, cooking, etc.) You can learn something new and meet people at the same time. If you moved to a country with a different native language than your own, taking a language class is a fantastic idea. You’ll meet a lot of people in situations similar to yours.

Bottom line: It’s normal to feel lonely, but don’t let that stop you from going out and meeting new friends.

Homesickness & hating your new country

It’s hard to believe that people work so hard to close the distance, then immediately hate the country to which they have moved. It is pretty common, though! Suddenly you feel like this new country is inferior to your home country in just about every way. You hate the weather, hate the food, hate the scenery. I think it’s safe to say that everyone who has traveled abroad extensively has had some of these feelings on at least one occasion. When I felt that way, I reminded myself that many people would be jealous of my opportunity to move to a new country. It helped me see the experience as a fun adventure as opposed to a forced move.

Bottom line: Every country in the world has pros and cons. Find those pros! Remember that not everyone has the opportunity to experience a new country, so enjoy it.

Role changes

Prior to closing the distance, I had only visited my partner in his country. He was never able to visit me in the United States. When I lived with him overseas, I was on his turf. He worked full time and taught me how to live in a new country. We spent time with his friends in his favorite places in his country. When we closed the distance, he moved to a country he’d never even visited before. Suddenly, our roles were reversed! I became the one “in charge” since he was new to my country. This role reversal made us both uncomfortable. Be aware that this may happen when you close the distance. Your roles will slowly start to balance once the mover gets used to his or her new home.

Bottom line: Don’t freak out if your relationship feels weird after the move. It’s a big transition and it takes time to settle in to the new situation.

Give it time

After putting in so much work to close the distance, facing these problems can make you feel like you made a big mistake. It’s important to give yourself some “transition time” to get used to your new life before you start to panic. When you make some friends, enjoy your new country and love your partner, that blissful closing-the-distance feeling will find you.

Filed Under: Moving, Relationship Tips Tagged With: , ,

Closing the Distance: Who Moves Where?

June 13, 2011 by 6 Comments

Maybe you and your significant other have talked about for a long time. Or maybe it’s been a thought brewing in your head for the past week, and you want to approach the topic with your partner. Whether at the beginning or dating long distance for years, eventually closing the distance makes it way into a discussion.

Or if you’re like me, it came up many times, each time with a different angle. And that’s ok; it’s a big decision with many pieces to it, and it may not be able to be done in one go.

There’s no shame in wanting to talk about it. Here’s how to decide where and how to move.

To The Clouds Beyond
Creative Commons License photo credit: gustaffo89

Agree this is the end goal you both want.

It’s important both partners agree that this is the end goal of the relationship they both want. If it isn’t, then shelve the discussion. Once it’s agreed, it’s time to get down to the details.

Make a list of what’s important to each of you for a happy life.

Each person has different things that are important to them. We discussed what our ideal living situation was – job statuses, family proximity, what roles we wanted to play and weren’t comfortable with (for example, my partner absolutely despises cooking and sucks at it, so he’d never want to play chef, even for a night), where, immigration issues, and so on. I suggest discussing location last, as the things you want may settle it, and because depending on how life evolves, this may end up changing.

After the list is completed, it’s important to understand what things are compromisable, which aren’t, and if there were time limits on those compromises. To me, it was extremely important I get to be able to focus on my career. It was important to both of us that my partner be secure in a job that paid good wages – something he could start and then move up from. And it was important that we get to live on our own fairly quickly.

And speaking of time…

Make sure to discuss where each person would like to be five or ten years down the road. Figuring out where to be immediately doesn’t help if you have no idea where you’re going from there. It doesn’t and shouldn’t be planned, but an understanding of your partner’s hopes for the future is vital.

Don’t rush it.

It is better to spend a few extra months apart if it means more money (or a finished degree) which will help your future. Stay on top of immigration news and proposed laws that may affect your visa.

In particular, money cannot be overlooked. The biggest reason people who close the distance go back to long distance is money. We’ve already covered budgeting for the move, but this also plays into the planning process. Make sure there’s enough money to cover your needs!

Prepare for life’s necessaries when you move.

My partner and I have a lot of things we need to accomplish in the first year of living together: getting our own flat, visiting family across Australia, my permanent residency visa, and being in a friend’s wedding, to name a few. All of these affected our plans, and are just as important as the move itself – after all, moving is about enjoying life together.

One last piece of advice.

Here’s the thing I’ve realized about international relationships – you’ve got to be flexible. And understanding. Part of that understanding is knowing one person will have to leave their country for the other. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever talk or visit family; it’s not forever, but trading one LDR for another. It’s hard, but if both parties want to make it work, they’ll make it work.

Marisol Dunham has been a freelance writer since 2007, and now lives with her once long-distance boyfriend in Australia. An American wandering the bush, she writes about her life and writing ventures on her blog at http://www.madunham.com/. You can find her on Twitter at @maridunham.

Filed Under: Moving, Relationship Tips Tagged With: ,

International LDR Essentials: Budgeting for the Big Move

May 22, 2011 by 9 Comments

Love isn’t practical.

Let’s face it – everyone in a long distance relationship can attest to its ‘impracticalities’. Would we have willingly chosen to be 7-30 hours away from the person we love, knowing the additional burdens it places on a relationship? Relationships require enough hard work and sacrifice without the added stress of being physically apart. And yet we would all argue it’s worth it. I know I would. Our partners make all the work worthwhile.

And I hate how much money plays into the equation.

Out of all the things that shouldn’t matter when you love someone is money. Love may be free, but cost of living isn’t. When it comes to closing the distance, you have to shove emotion aside to make room for practicality. Much to my boyfriend’s amusement and occasional dismay, I’m a planner. When we started talking about my move to Australia, I realized a few things:

1) It isn’t a process for the flighty or half-committed.

2) This was going to take a LOT of organization to minimize emergency situations.

3) Holy crap, I have to have what done and how much in order to move?!

Here are the things I listed in my budget:

  1. Emergency Fund – If something can go wrong, it will. Cars breaking, illness, canceled flights, being unable to find a job… life happens, and you have to be prepared for it. An emergency fund turns a crisis into an inconvenience. Generally, you want 3-6 months of living expenses for the country in which you’ll be living.
  2. Moving Costs - For some people, it’s hiring a moving truck. For others, this includes shipping overseas and the many options available, selling/storing leftover items, and airline tickets.
  3. Debt Load – I didn’t want my debts hanging over my head and creating stress while trying to move overseas, so I paid it off. If you’re not paying it off, be prepared to have the cash to pay it off when you move.
  4. Establishment Costs – I think this is the kicker, the one-time costs. Deposits for living space, turning on utilities, switching licenses, furniture, linens, and so on. Setting up your new life eats into your costs, even if you skip getting a couch and eat off of milk crates.
  5. Cancellation Fees – Will moving cause you to break your lease, cancel your cell phone contract, pay membership fees? Personally, I had sticker shock about cell phone cancellation fees.
  6. Monthly Living Expenses – Figuring out where and how to cash flow your new life can be difficult, especially if you don’t go with a job in hand. This is where that emergency fund comes in handy. Figuring out where and how you’re going to live will help determine how much you need to make in order to live comfortably.
  7. Visas/Immigration – It’s not just the application fee, but the required cost to get the requested documentation which can add up. Don’t forget the passport pictures!
  8. Insurance – I know some people think car/life, but my first concern was actually medical. As an outsider, I’m not covered by Australia’s healthcare until I’m a citizen or permanent resident. Check to make sure you’re covered. Price plans.
  9. Work – That is, cash flow. How am I bringing in money to care for myself? Living off of savings versus bringing in money are two different things, and almost everyone will need a cash flow at some point. Researching job possibilities and making sure you’re prepared for however long it takes you to get a job, and learning about the tools you’ll need to be a marketable person.
  10. Farewell Fun – Now that I’ve moved to Australia, one thing I wish I had given myself was more of a fluff fund for my last days. I spent so much visiting family, friends, and getting last minute items I wanted to take overseas that I ended up spending more than I realized I would.

Since some things are unavailable or can be expensive due to importing, make sure you have things you want or need from home. I brought Aleve and all of my personal grooming items because they’re double the price in Australia. And Aleve? You can’t get it here. Painkillers are expensive – $7 for a 16 tablet pack when I checked.

Some items may be easy to work out, others not so much. But it’s worth looking at each category and really thinking about how you want to approach it. Because let’s face it – it’s not all going to go smoothly. And you want to give your relationship as smooth of a transition as possible. Your relationship deserves it.

Marisol Dunham has been a freelance writer since 2007, and now lives with her once long-distance boyfriend in Australia. An American wandering the bush, she writes about her life and writing ventures on her blog at http://www.madunham.com/. You can find her on Twitter at @maridunham.

Filed Under: Budgeting, Moving, Relationship Tips Tagged With: , ,